Void
by CharlyKaa
Summary: No, I didn't love her, but I had feelings. The desire to protect her, the need to be near her, to be there for her. I don't   think that's love... at least, I don't want to think that's love.


Sorry if it was a little late. It's just had been some bad days and... Arnold is really hard to portray. I mean, he's the protagonist of the series, but sometimes it feels like Helga is the central figure. And Arnold is so... "simple" in some aspects, it's harder to know what it's happening inside his head (or maybe it's really easy and I'm just an idiot as Will thought XD). But well, sorry if I offend any person, but I take my inspiration the most in some of NintendoGal55, Azure129 and Suprsingr fics. Just say it and I will erase this if you want!. And again, I will be grateful if you make me notice my mistakes in grammar and everything. Thanks!

Dedicated to everyone who had ever reviewed my fics, especially Azure129 and Anonymous Latina. And of course, my dear, dear friend Will.

I don't own Hey Arnold!

...

Void

Have you ever seen those weird buildings with two differrent architectonic styles? Somehow they make me remember Helga. Yes, I know it sounds weird, but it's the truth. Helga is like a weird constructed house, with a first floor practically ugly, but the other parts are beautiful. And I don't say this because I think she's ugly (far from that he he)... but because of her "false" personality. When you first saw her, you only could see the bully, the mad type of person who boss you around and make you feel like crap, just because she's so insecure. But once you make it close to her, you can notice this... sweet, wonderful, marvellous side of her. And, like in the building the "ugly" parts make you appreciate more the pretty parts.

I can never forget that day, when I was three, the day I met her. She was all alone, in the early morning, under the rain, looking ready to cry, to give up. She filled ad beggining e in my heart, where I felt the void begining to grow, without my parents. I know now, I would never forgive myself if I let her alone that day. I knew she was special... I wanted to be her friend, and it hurted me to see her transformed into a "monster". I was afraid of her... afraid to let go the memory of her sweet smile.

Years passed and I grew up, never forgetting she was inside that sweet little girl I met when toddler. But she grew up too and I was tired of the waiting, tired of her abuse, so I chose to ignore her, but I never forgot the hope of being her friend, one day, when she was ready. And just so you know, that doesn't mean I loved her. No, I didn't love her, but I had feelings. The desire to protect her, the need to be near her, to be there for her. I don't think that's love... at least, I don't want to think that's love. But that word came to my mind almost everyday. Let me think about it.

Truth is, I had never the chance to really think about it. One day I was confronted with similar feelings... coming from the mouth of the very source of my troubles. She said she loved me, but how could I respond her. I mean, I was a child, a little lost child who was almost an orphan, who grew without parents to ask, to talk to, to explain what the hell was that warm feeling I had inside every time she was near me. I was a child and I wasn't ready for love. So I let her go with her lies... OUR lies.

Some months later the oportunity to fill the void, the eternal void inside of my soul, came in the form of a contest, a contest which prize was a travel to San Lorenzo, if I ended up winning. And I did, giving everything in myself to get the first place and go to... meet my destiny.

About this, some times I ask myself if it was the right thing to do, I mean, I put in danger the life of more than twenty people so I could get back a part of me... that was selfish, but I won't take it back, never. Gerald asked me one time if my life was not enough to be happy, but he HAD parents with him. I grew up alone. Yes, I had my grandparents and the boarders, but it's not the same. It's not like having a father to ask about girls and to play baseball the sunday's mornings. I had not a mother to kiss my injuries or to sing me 'til I fall asleep. I had not them to go to movies or picnics on saturdays. They were not there to watch me walking for first time, or my first time in the bicycle without training wheels, or my first date... or my first kiss.

But the opportunity to get them back to me came and I took it. Gerald, always the best of the friends helped me and, not so surprisingly, Helga came too. She wanted to help me in my quest to find my parents and, god, she did a lot for me at that time. But the ghost of whatever we both were feeling was always on our heads, never leaving us alone, and there, where no one was going to make fun of her (not even Gerald because he was tired and the jungle was hot and she didn't give us reasons to fight), in a place far from our classmates, she showed entirely a side of her I only got glances in the past. She was sweet, always caring about my security. She was strong, finding a way to go on every day. She was kind, helping us, helping me. She was... everything. And soon, I understood I was falling for her.

I gave her a kiss, one similar ot the ones she gave me in the past, trying to get her to understand everything I was feeling at the moment, but lost in the folowing days, with my new universe in which my parents were with me (thanks to Helga... and Gerald, ok, ok), I'm sorry to say, I almost forgot about her. And it hurted me because when I tought the void in my life was filled, I could still feel it, a little smaller, but still there. A feeling pretty similar to the one I felt with every single crush in my life, but this time it hurted like... a rose thorn inside of my heart.

And once I could see her again, she was... different. It felt like... she was lost or empty. She looked so hurt I was afraid it was my fault and... I had to think again. What if what I felt was not love and I was only going to end leading her? It wasn't fair, not for her, not for me, so I was silent. It lasted nearly two months. two months without spitballs, insulting nicknames, tripping... two months of nothing. I thought I was going to turn mad. I tryed to be near her, but she... it was like she had invisible walls around her, walls not even Phoebe could tresspass the first days, weeks... I too, got to be near her after a little time and she opened to about her problems to me. We went out together sometimes and became really close, with everything we had in common and all our differences, making things so interesting... having a girl - friend whom i could talk to.

And then, suddenly, she was back. She was bright, she was smiling, she was singing!. She wrote love poems (sometimes I tought they were about me, but I couldn't be sure). She asked all of us, a day, in a poem, for our forgiveness and to tell the truth, it wasn't as we were not going to forgive her. I mean, yes, she had been mean to us, but she too helped us at least one time in our lifes. And... it would be like not forgiving Harold for making fun of us or Rhonda for judging us based in our clothes or money.

Harold, Sid and Stinky made fun of her, and I tought she was going to go back to her bully ways, but she did not. She ignored them. Some guys from sixth grade and junior high tryed to hurt her, but Phoebe, me and... Brainy! defended her. I mean, she was our friend and neither of us wanted her to go back to the bully. But she showed us she could still be strong, but kind. She wasn't going to go back, she was going to be herself.

After some days, she began dating Brainy. He was happy, too happy... and soon I understood he had feelings for her, maybe for more time than I, maybe stronger than mine. And it made me think... I lost her. She was going to be happy with someone else, I had wasted my opportunity. Every time I saw them I felt anger and... pain and sorrow... But not! how? I didn't love her! What feelings? She was happy! and I was happy because she was my friend!. I kept lying to myself 'til the day my father saw me... well, taking my feelings out on the sand bag in my room (because my grandmother insisted in my martial arts training) and asked me what was going on... and I explained everything I was thinking (because I never want to lie to my parents) and he laughed and told me I was jealous. But how could I be jealous? You need to be in love to be jealous! And it hit me. I wasn't falling in love with her. I didn't liked her liked her. I had not a crush on her... I really loved her.

The day after the revelation, I went to school, decided to show her my feelings, but she was still with Brainy, so I had to be quiet. She broke up with him, and they stayed friends. But I couldn't go to her. I mean, I wasn't sure if she still loved me, after all this time, so I waited, and waited, and waited... and all that time my feelings got stronger and one day, feeling like I was going to explode, I told her everything. I saw in her eyes the hope and the pain and suddenly I understood she tought it was a joke (so near April's fool...) so I hugged her and... kissed her, and said again and again how much I loved her. And was in that moment, with her in my arms and her eyes looking into mine I finally could feel the void, the eternal void in my life dissapearing, filling itself with love and happiness. And everything in the world would be fine, because I knew that our lifes were mean to be together, to be part of each other, to complement each other. We were the other half of ourselves.

And the ugly building?, the one she was when a nine year old girl?... They demolished the ugly parts and it ended being... the most beautiful castle in the world.


End file.
